Saturday, November 29, 2008

A Slippery Slope

This is a tough word. When I was growing up there was no truth in my family. My father had affairs, my mother drank and I tried everything I could to be a good girl. My brother and sister worked hard at this too. The truth of our accomplishments mattered little to our parents. They did not deal with the truth. It was too scary; at least that's my take on it.

Ultimately in a dysfunctional family truth did not win. So I grew up with lies; that's a strong word too. You said or did whatever you had to in order to survive. My most vivid remembrance is when I told my third grade teacher, Mrs. Ervin, a lie and got caught. I told her that it was okay for me to go to a friend's house after school. My mother didn't want me to be happy and have friends; she would not have agreed to the time after school with my friend. So I lied. I got caught; the fact that I still remember that is very telling.

When you live day in and day out with lies you don't believe any other way of life exists. You lie to yourself about what is best for you. I did that when I married my first husband twice. Finally I couldn't lie to myself any more.

I have learned that it is so much better to deal with the truth than to pretend that what you are doing is working. Most of the friends I have today live that way too. The others are on their way to discovering what the word means for them. As I said at the beginning, this is a tough word.

Truth has brought me much happiness. I would not give that up for the world.
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4 comments:

Mrs4444 said...

Did you read my post on this same subject about a week ago? I really relate. For a while, I tried to get my mom to talk about intimate subjects, but I finally had to give up; she just can't go there. There was a time that I resented her for it. Now I now that she had to "check out" in order to be married to my dad for 54 years. In order to tap into her emotions for me, she would have to check back in to that place of truth, and I think that would be too hard. I love her anyway...

Oklahoma Farmgirl said...

WOW!! I am always so amazed to find kindred spirits in blogland.

Truth is a powerful word. Like with your family, it was not a word that was out to much use in my birth family. My dad was gay & brought his friends home. Then he started liking much younger men & "dated" my high school friends then later my brother's friends. We were expected to always tell the truth about our actions but the same did not hold true with my parents. Later my mother had affairs (after my dad was blackmailed, years later, by one of his "conquests"). She just put up with my dad's actions, kept up the front of the perfect family to everyone, & told us to live the lie. All in the name of ...?

I was in & out of bad relationships for years. After 14yrs of being divorced I am not very trusting or open to deep relationships. Men have not treated me kindly.
1st an unattentive, angry, cruel, mean spirited, verbally/emotionally abusive father, 2nd an unattentive, emotionally retarded husband who cheated, 3rd a cheating fiance, 4th an abusive, mean, damaged, needy, cruel 2nd husband. In between there were one night stands & other unhealthy relationships. I had drug & alchol problems for years (I've been clean & sober for 13 yrs now). Then I tried to rekindle the lost love of my teenage years-my first love that I met at 14. I finally got to know him well enough to see that he is as damaged as me (alcholic parents, co-dependent, his own addictions) with a need to "fix" everything for me-to tell me what to do & how to do it. I have had to sever those bonds also. Current boyfriend really hurt me several years ago & we broke up. We have been back together for 2-3 years & it is ok. I still don't completely trust him, but he takes care of me so I keep bumbling along with him. ARGHHHHH!!

WHile I am zillions of times healthier than I was before 3 yrs of intense therapy, I still have destructive tendencies. My relationship with my mother is tenious at best. My brother has died & I have no ties to anything good from my childhood. My son has turned out great though & has a fabulous wife & beautiful children -- he is my success. The best thing I have done with my life to date.

Truth--how much of it do I really tell even now? It scares me, it sets me free, it is my comfort, it is my demon.


Here's to calling BS & always telling our truths.


Blessed be...

butterflies said...

I have always believed and stood for the truth.It sets you free.
Ive had my share of living with lies too..Ive kidded myself that my 20 yr marriage was ok even tho there was no passion and we hadnt been intimate for the last 10 yrs.I kept believing him when he said that it was work that made him exhausted so he didnt want me.
Most ppl Ive met do lie..mum does small ones like..she would buy 3 dresses and put 2 at my house and tell dad shed bought 1..the others would be sneaked home and she told dad someone gave her them..little lies I know but I still hated them.
Now at 53 I cant abide lies in any shape or form.Ive gone so black and white!! its right or its wrong!
The truth never hurts as much as finding out a lie!!
Have a great week:)

Rhonda said...

Countrygirl
Truth is a hard word for us children of alcoholics.
Even painful are the memories of the days that denying the truth was all we saw. As a child when I felt there were problems and the adults denied them, then I began to doubt what I thought and felt about problems not being addressed. I think truth telling is something I'm still learning to live.
Thank you for this post.